I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
