don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
