Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
