Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The feeling are messing with the penis
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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