So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
