do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
