I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
