Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
sarcasm needs its own font
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize