Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
