Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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