why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
It's blow job season.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
