oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
