Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I think your dad took our porno
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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