mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just want to make out with him forever
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