Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
