Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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