Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize