Kiss
Puke
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
