I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
