I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I said "one day" and that day is not today
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
