I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
