my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
