HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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