I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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