Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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