i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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