I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
