There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You've changed since you got that strap on
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
