Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You've changed since you got that strap on
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
