Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
