Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
