I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
