the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
