If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
