im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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