It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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