I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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