i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
