I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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