Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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