I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
