Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
