I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize