i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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