dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
it hurts more in the daytime
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
