you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
