I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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