Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She needs sedatives and a leash
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
