well I can't set my house on fire every night
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just forgot I was standing up.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
