One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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