Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
