margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
