dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
