I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
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