i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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