If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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