if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
