so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
