If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
