If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
