I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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