I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
