My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
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