i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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