fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
