Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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