I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
